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After I grew up & became an adult, birthdays generally for me (minus a few very special ones) are "just another day". Don't get me wrong, I always appreciate the sentiment & yes I realize that I am another year older, but what I mean by that is usually I don't feel any different than the day before. Today is different, and I'm not especially happy with the reason why. I ended my 42nd year in an argument with my son. Not just any argument, but one where I "blew a gasket" (verbally only) in anger. I'm not going to get into the details of the argument, but suffice it to say, it was a slow escallation of annoyances between him & I, and then he said something that struck a very sharp nerve with me, and off the rails I went. The words that I said to him in return, letting him know what he did wrong and how wrong it was for him to say it weren't hurtful in themselves, but with the level of anger that I was at, the "presentation" most certainly was. Thankfully, after a few moments of this, cooler heads prevailed, but not until after my hands were shaking, and Jonathan was in tears. It dialed back further, and it ended with us uncomfortably hugging it out, him still in tears.

So today, how do I feel?

Sad, that I let my (thankfully rare but explosive) anger get the better of me.
Embarrased, with myself because it got the better of me with my son as "the target" .
Old, because these are the types of moments from my childhood that I promised myself that I would never repeat with my own child, and yet here we are.

"Happy" 43rd birthday to me....

Date: 2013-11-06 02:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thetammyjo.livejournal.com
*hugs*

You know, getting angry with your children especially as they get older is normal, indeed it might be necessary as they go through the stages of growing up and developing.

I know you feel bad about it but I don't see above where you were intentionally hurtful or did anything other than yell I assume.

Actually when you don't yell much or get angry much, such outbursts can have a very high impact on the other person -- better, worse, the same, only time will tell.

You are human, you aren't a god, and if you were, watch out kid cause you don't want to experience how godkids were dealt with by their godparents, trust me on that one.

Maybe when you have time you two need to sit down and talk about what happened. Why he pushed and pushed because you snapped when you are normally under control, he probably wasn't expecting that, so now you two many need to try and establish some rules for disagreeing and even fighting when that happens... it is going to happen. I mean, come on, I bet you have disagreements and fights with yourself, too, huh?

*hugs*

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